Manipulate!

...

// Monday, December 04, 2006 10:42 PM

I cried til there were no more tears left.

I feel like I'm a lie. I keep telling others that they are fine, that they are okay but I feel like crap deep inside. I'm not even practising what I preach. I tell them not to cry, not to bother, but here I am, crying and crying.

I hate myself.

Why do I have the confidence in others yet not in myself?

Why am I comforting others when I myself need comforting?

Why am I smiling for the past 10 years when I feel such pain inside?

And yes, if you must know, just because I smile doesn't mean that I'm happy. It just means that I don't want you to worry about me. It's because I wanna lie to myself. It's just to take my mind off everything that sucks.

Just becuase I laugh when you say that I am fat and ugly and unwanted doesn't mean I dun care. Cause you know what, it hurts. It stings even more when one of your close friends say it. It kills when my family says it.

Just because I talk a lot doesn't mean that I'm sociable. I'm just masking the insecurities in me. It scares you? But you know what scares me? The silence. It suffocates me.

So, please don't say that I'm a nice and sociable person. It just makes me feel worse. Cause I am not. It really feels nice at first, but when I think of the reasons behind these and I just feel like a liar. It's like been mistakenly crowned as the queen. It's because of my own selfish reasons that made me like that. I am self centred. I am a LIAR.

Perphas my self esteem has just reached a new low, perphas insanity drove me to write this. But this has been on my chest for the past years. I kept everything inside for the past ten years.

Just give me one night to cry it all out.

Labels: Emoness